I hadn’t plan on this being an online book study but if you have read this book, interested in reading this book and would just like to participate either here or on your own blog, feel free to grab the image on the left and post it on your site with a link back to me please.
For help on adding the “Exploring Love & Respect” image on your own blog, it’s very easy. You would either need to host the image on your own server or get an account with either imageshack, photobucket or any other image hosting site, than grab the code below:
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If there is enough interest, I would be happy to post a “Mr.Linky” otherwise a simple link back from your site and/or a comment (no not that needy…lol, just helps so others can visit your blog and gain insight from your posts too), would be deeply appreciated.
So onto my first “exploration” of “Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson.
I was genuinely surprised with the first chapter how quickly Dr. Emerson begin on the subject of the interaction and communication between husbands and wives in the first chapter. The book is actually a very easy read, with short chapters, but lots of information.
He does not insult the intelligence of either the husband or the wife and honestly does not pick sides, but brought to the table and honest look at how we interact both positively and negatively to each other.
I found myself blushing when in the first chapter, “The Crazy Cycle” when I realized that as wives, sometimes we are no more innocent than our spouses can be when we have disagreements and how we not only approach our disagreements but how we react to our disagreements.
Dr. Emerson bases his book on a very vital scripture about the relationship between a man and a woman, Ephesians 5:33 (NIV),”However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
As wives we desire love, We want our husbands to recognize us and appreciate us, but something I think we tend to forget in the equation that our husband equally needs our appreciation and our attention and our respect.
When caught up in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that and get so focus on “me me me” that we don’t realize that we are unintentionally becoming the person that turns our husbands away and in the process of belittling them, create a sense of nothing they can do is right so why should they even try.
It’s easy to feel like our spouses are not giving us enough and we do everything, but sometimes when is it that maybe we are just a little bit guilty ourselves but because of pride, we don’t honestly reassess if we are encouraging them on their level to show us love.
Instead, we may unintentionally make it difficult for them to feel like they have our approval and respect and instead they just hear “gimme gimme gimme”.
Men are not like us. They don’t think like us and the reality is that God did NOT create them like us. We, men and women, were created to complement and balance each other out but that doesn’t mean, anything they do, we can do and vice versa.
They think differently then we do, but that doesn’t make them bad people. We are more sensitive and emotional, but that doesn’t make us bad people…we have to learn to respect each other and love each other as God calls us to and has designed us to be.
Dr. Emerson talks about a crazy cycle that as spouses, we get caught up in and offer a great visual (that men will appreciate) here, See the Crazy Cycle.
He sums up very easily what this crazy cycle is that we tend to get caught up in and if we arent’ careful, stay in:
Without Love, She reacts to Him, Without Respect, He reacts to Her.
Basically, Without Love, we feel un-appreciative, un-wanted, and un-satisified, so rather than approach him in a way that he understands, we tend to lash out emotionally. Men don’t work like that. There is a reason why they like football and pats on the back; They were designed to be leaders, successful in whatever they do and they don’t think in context of gray, but black and white; We have to be careful not to try and bring them to our level as women, because they don’t think, feel or see that and it’s not a bad thing but it does go in some way to survival instinct.
Men need to know they can successful provide and fix a problem so it won’t affect the person God has created for them to protect. There is nothing bad or male chauvinist about that. We don’t like it if their boss gives our husbands a bad day at work, under values him or passes him up for a promotion we know he has worked hard to earn, yet unintentional, when they come home, we accidently do that to them.
Rather than saying, “Honey, you tried,” we can put them in a no win situation. We know we need to go in a diet and we discuss that to them.
They think. Oh, okay, I can fix that and buy them a diet book or gym membership.
And how do we react? Negatively. Mean, “What are you thinking?”
The guy was thinking, I was trying to help in the way THEY know how to help.
Women, no matter what…bottom line, we were designed to be nurturers, caretakers, teachers and the emotional heart of the family. God made men the head and we are the heart of the man.
When you think about it…when was the last time a decision was made by us that wasn’t emotionally based? Never.
We live in the gray areas of life…men do live in the black and white, and that’s okay…..God designed us to COMPLEMENT each other…NOT, COMPETE with each other.
Emerson in the video, recommend really letting go of some of our pride as women and as a note, he is very equal to both, but he did prove a good point, we do tend to be too sensitive and emotional and can be worse of then the guys; Guys are taught not to be sensitive or emotional, it’s not to be cruel but they can’t work like that if they are going to be head of the households or providers or do the job they are supposed to do; God made them that way as a positive not as a negative because God created men to be like that so they could effectively be the leaders and the husbands they need to be;
We are created to be nurturers and teachers and caretakers..We can’t do that if we weren’t sensitive or emotional or “soft” and that’s where we have to understand; God’s purpose was perfect; He created us to work in harmony and balance the other out; He didn’t create us to dominate men, or men to dominate us; He created us so we could do His plan and our jobs effectively without chaos thrown in.
Men deep down like accomplishments; That’s why they are into sports and things with challenges and “rewards”; It reinforces deep down they are able to do the job and do it well.
Something else to think about ,most men today aren’t raised with that or were in households with a strong male role model or in a Christian home ; They can be heal but it really is about using something God gave us, “Patience” and taking care of his ego and in the end taking care of the whole.
This isn’t even touching on saying that abuse is right. Abuse is NEVER right or condone and is against God’s will and plan, but we have to be careful not to project too much of ourselves on them and in the end, blur what this relationship is really about.
Guys like to fix things and feel like they are worth that, but if we expect our bosses to give them kudos for a job well done even if it’s minor…we have to watch ourselves that we do the same too and give them kudos for the small things and let it build up to the big things; When we have a problem..we just want to talk…when guys have a problem, they are taught to fix it…so it’s not that he isn’t listening…just this is how he knows how to do it; Guys aren’t talkers and never were and we have to see from their point of view..how they express to us, how they care; It may not be what we want but that’s where we have to learn to give a little there and show them respect and acknowledgement that they try; Eventually a light does go on and that wow..she respects me for just trying and lets me try, maybe if I do something that means what she would like orwant…”wow”!
You can read more about what Emerson has to say about the Crazy Cycle and see the visual on the website, loveandrespect.com, but here is a blurb of what he has to say about the Crazy Cycle.
In other words, a wife needs to feel love and a husband needs to feel respect.Consequently…
2. Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.
From love and respect: here is a love and respect connection.
Lets begin with the wife.
As we just said, when a wife feels unloved, she reacts.
Let me say it this way, a wife needs love like she needs air to breathe. When a husband stands on her air hose, she will react.
She will not flat line it on the emotional heart monitor. Wives tend to be expressive and responsive. She tends to express herself verbally, negatively and critically when the diet book is handed to her. This is why some people say, “When mama ain’t happy, nooooobody is happy.” When she feels unloved, she tends to react verbally.
Without love, she reacts without respect. ‘
Basically, no matter what, the guy isn’t going to win and rather than give a little and show him respect whether we think he deserves it or not…it keeps putting him on the defensive; We forget that guys don’t think like or feel like we do so we try to bring them down to our level forgeting they don’t remember we don’t think or feel like they do so they are trying to bring us to their level so this perpetual shoving match continues with no winners.
Everyone loses.
The message she is trying to communicate when receiving the diet book is, “I don’t feel loved by you right now. I don’t feel you love me for who I am. I feel like I need to be a Dallas Cheerleader before you’ll love me.”
Her code in her negative reaction is, “I don’t feel loved by you.” But most husbands don’t decode that code!
Her reaction can be so verbal, negative and critical that her husband doesn’t hear her message. Instead, to her husband, she can come across as disrespectful.
He hears her saying to him, “I don’t respect you for giving me that diet book. I don’t respect you for who you are. You’re a big jerk.”
Now, if the husband has good will in giving her the diet book, this hurts him. He feels his character is assassinated.
But focusing on the wife, without love a wife can defensively react when handed the diet book. From her pink sunglasses view, he is sending a message of disapproval of who she is as a human being. But her defensive reaction can come across as disrespectful to him. Her defensive reaction can be offensive! In other words, when a husband stands on her air hose, she can push him off. However, after she pushes him off, she can accidentally step on his air hose. But she doesn’t see herself standing on his air hose. She doesn’t decode how she is coming across to him! Her focus is so much on feeling disapproved and unloved, she does not pay attention to her disrespectful attitude.
Let’s turn our attention toward the husband.
As is true for the wife, so it holds true for the husband.In his case, when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts.
Without Respect, He Reacts.
A husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe. When a wife steps on his air hose, he will react.
He will not flat line it on the emotional heart monitor. Husbands, though, tend to compartmentalize their feelings. He can stonewall. He remains silent around the marriage book sitting next to his lounge chair. This is why some wives say, “My husband is a mysterious island. I am forever paddling around him but he does not permit me to land.”
When he feels disrespected, he tends to react by withdrawing into silence.
But here’s the love and respect connection for the husband.
he message he is trying to communicate when receiving the marriage book is, “I don’t feel respected by you right now. I don’t feel you respect me for who I am. I feel you are crusading against me, to change me. I’m never good enough for you.”
His code in his negative reaction is, “I don’t feel respected by you.” But most wives don’t decode that code!
His reaction can be too non-verbal. Most people who stonewall are men. Men can go silent. He can emotionally disengage from her. He can disconnect. When feeling disrespected, he can get angry, but in this case of the marriage book, he ignores the book and her.
When a husband neglects that which a wife values, his wife doesn’t hear his message of “I don’t feel respected by you right now.” Instead, she hears, “I don’t love you. I don’t care about our marriage nor you. I refuse to read the marriage book so we can talk about it and improve our relationship.”
Now, if a wife has good will in giving the marriage book, this hurts her deeply. She wants to deal with her stuff. She isn’t trying to put her husband down. So, if the husband refuses to engage her on the topic of their marriage, she can feel wounded in her spirit.
But focusing on the husband, without respect he can defensively react when handed the marriage book. From his blue sunglasses view, she is sending a message of disapproval of who he is as a human being. But his defensive reaction can come across as unloving to her. His defensive reaction can be offensive! In other words, when a wife stands on his air hose, he can push her off. However, after he pushes her off, he can accidentally step on her air hose. But he doesn’t see himself standing on her air hose. He doesn’t decode how he is coming across to her! His focus is so much on feeling disapproved and disrespected for who he is, he does not pay attention to his unloving attitude.
So, when it is all put together we discover the secret that cracks the communication code.
Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.
Emerson call this the Crazy Cycle because this can spin. It tends to trigger itself. When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each.
Things get crazy!
Marital craziness is when we keep doing the same thing over and over. The topics change but the crazy cycle continues. Unless couples discover the secret that cracks the communication code, and learn how to get off the Crazy Cycle, things tend to stay a bit crazy! And it really gets crazy when a husband tells his wife, “Oh, stop feeling this way.” Or, a wife says to her husband, “Oh, stop feeling this way.”
What happens on Sunflower Faith?
