The interesting thing about the Book of James is that it reads more like a book about how a believer should guard their tongue and how they communicate with both believers and non-believers.
I don’t know what it is about being female, but it seems “gossip” and even “gossip under the guise of prayer” is our worse follies if we are not careful to watch how and what and whom we speak of.
Lysa touches on a very touchy subject that seems to be semi-spoken about in the church, at the home and among ourselves.
“Gossip”.
Doesn’t even sound good does it?
Lysa offers some valuable points that we all need to consider not only for others, but for ourselves, when we deal with the different temperments and personalities that we come across in our lives.
- Guard your tongue to keep out of trouble.
23 Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles.
(Proverbs 21:23, New King James Version)
Lysa shared that it’s not good to be in situations where idle chatter abounds, and who among us, hasn’t found ourselves in those situations. What’s worse, in the air of friendship, we hear a friend has been hurt, but rather than find out the facts, out of emotional investment, we are quick to jump to the defense and in the middle, often times, mudding the waters more than it should be and fueling fast judgements, then allowing our Father time to take time to heal the situation himself.
You, me, we have all been guilty of it and how often, when the air clears, the dust settles, we find out that in our haste, people unintentionally or maybe intentionally, have been hurt by nothing more than high emotions and misunderstandings or even lack of understandings, and words that have been said, cannot be taken back.
A while back I posted here, a story about nails on the fence, and words we say in the heat of anger and emotion, once pounded into the fence, leave scars that can’t be removed, even after the nails themselves are.
It’s easier to think twice before hand, before having to say “your sorry” than having to say your sorry after damage has been done. Though the salve of forgiveness is asked and replied, it doesn’t take away the scar that stays there afterwards.
We are masters of our own tongue, not our friend, not our spouse, not anyone, but we are; And with our tongue we choose,voluntarily to either bless or to curse.
We also bear witness to each other and to non-believers our relationship to Christ, how we choose to deal with a hurtful situation as well.
- Limit your words to be wise.
19 In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.
(Proverbs 10:19, New King James Version)
Two vital questions are shared by Lysa that we should memorized, place on a post it note on our computers, or dayplanners, on our phones, wherever to always ask ourselves prior to engaging in any type of conversation:
- Are my words kind?
- Are they true?
- Are they necessary?
It’s almost like the old saying, “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all?” and imagine how much it easier to be able to stepback and get better perspective on a situation before we say anything at all if we thought about it first, then reacted!
I remember reading about email etiquiette that we need to discipline ourselves, prior to hitting the send button, to always think of what we are about to say, before we send out anything. The same can be said for the spoken word as well.
We need to train ourselves to think what we are about to say, instead of treating everything like a snowball fight that has escalated out of control.
For myself and for others, I’ve seen how words that are posted online, by email, or face to face, can hurt deeper than if salt itself was poured on open words. Just imagine, how much a relationship could be saved, if we just took a step back from a situation just think, really think, how would we feel if that was directed at us…wouldn’t feel so good would it? Yet we think it’s okay to share with others.
Then she shares this:
- Use your words to validated your relationship with the Lord, not negate it.
Pretty resounding ouch. This isn’t a chapter if you are into gossipping about others.
26 If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless. (James 1:26, New King James Version)
I think it’s a Southern thing, but I heard a joke about how, when Southerners wanted to “passively” critique others, they would preface their statements with ,”Bless her heart” or “Bless his heart” and follow it with a critique or gossip or a belittling compliment disguise as being “sweet”.
For example:
“Bless your heart that you didn’t know how to send that email.”
There is a comic that describe this as using this term as a “slate cleaner”, basically help us feel better that we are about to put someone down, but in a “nice way”.
I actually looked into this and on a post titled,”Bless Your Heart”, I read the following:
Some people seem to think saying “bless your heart” excuses anything they have just said or are about to say. “Bless Your Heart” is a phrase people use to excuse themselves for speaking ill of someone. They use it not only when they are speaking about someone else, but also when they are saying something negative to a person’s face. I think it comes from a desire to at least give the appearance of being polite in any and all circumstances.”-Bless your heart post
The post seem to reflect what Lysa was trying to convey on whether,”Are your words saying “Bless your heart” in a good way or a bad way.”
We’re human; We make mistakes, but we also seem to forget that by judging others, we sin; No way around that is there? Doesn’t feel good, but neither is denying the pain it causes, particularly if that pain comes from a believer.
Lysa continue to share another vital point that we forget in our relationships, when we “critique” our friends under the umbrella of “just being honest”.
Ever said that?
Ever been told that?
Ouch.
Maybe we were told, “God laid it on their heart” or “they are just being honest” and it’s clear that the Bible says, being honest is important, but being honest constructive is a different thing from “just trying to be honest”.
Being honest constructively, means wanting to help others to grow closer to God, but if all we are doing is judging for the sake of judging, we must be aware that we must be honest to ourselves first about our own sins as well.
Telling someone else, “Not to judge” or that “they are sinning” to, in all “honesty” is a worse offense because it doesn’t become about encouraging each other no longer, but just about attacking each other, that of which is an offense to God of both of you.
So what is a “Good Bible Study girl to do”?
Keep EVERYTHING in prayerful consideration first and bring it to our Father first and no where did He say, being ugly was allowed. LOL
When we are willingly to be honest with someone, cutting off contact afterwards is not being honest with them or ourselves or with our Heavenly Father.
It’s an unwilligness to admit that we didn’t give this prayful consideration, we didn’t have that other best interest at heart and rather than earn the right to have those type of considerations, instead we are submitting to justifying our own willful selves instead.
1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:1-3, New King James Version)
You. Me.Anyone.
We never COMPLETELY know what is going on in someone else’s lives; Who are we to make judgements based on snapshots of others lives that we think entitles us to lay down a general, emotional based opinion about something we may truly not know what is going on, the whole story, or maybe due to our own emotions, lack of patience or need for control, prefer to make choices for the worse because it satisifies the self, versus taking time to make choices that are beneficial to our Heavenly Father.
It’s not to say we won’t fall, but it doesn’t justify us being ugly either.
Lysa shared in her book what a woman name Elizabeth wrote and I feel that its something that you, me, all of us, need to remember everyday in our lives as we come in contact, be it via blogs, Facebook, Twitter, emails, or day to day contact that in Christ, we are not gossipers, slanderers or liars, but in Christ, we are brothers and sisters:
We eat our own.We make up litmust tests and then level judgements. Does she dress the way a Christian woman should?Does she wear her hair the way a Christian woman should?Does she go to the “right”parish or church?Does she manage her fiances the “right” way? Spend her time the “right”way? Does she have enough children and are they spaced the “right” way? if the answers don’t fit what we’ve decided constitute holiness, we chew the woman up and spit her out in disgust.
And we become women of opinion, not conviction,to use a phrase coined by Colleen Mitchell. We become women who are so preoccuppied by judging and condemning that we tear down our own houses with our own hands. The spirit of condemnation pervades the very being of the woman and erodes at the gentleness, peacefullness, and goodness her family deserves. She become a bitter woman and her life bears bitter fruit.
Ephesians 4:29, writes,” 29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. (Ephesians 4:29, New King James Version)”
And so it should be in all our days.
Kindness and respect shouldn’t just be reserved for our friends that we really know; Being a Christian isn’t a clique. Remember in Matthews how Jesus’s disciples reacted when He went to have dinner at Matthew’s home?Remember how the Pharisees were aghast?
Jesus didn’t come to save the people He picked and choose….He came to save all of us…you, me, all of us and when it comes down to it…none of us really deserve grace and have fallen short of His glory, but HE, loves us all and so loved us all, He wanted to save ALL of us.
Not just select.
Lysa reminds us convictingly,”Whatever corners of teh world He’s called us to, we must find joy there and resist the urge to make our own way of doing life the only way.When we let our mind go to places it shouldn’t it is doubly hard to hold back the judgement and the gossip“. (pg 116)
As I finished this chapter, I contemplated, the worse thing I think I could honestly have seen or felt, is seeing and hearing people so caught up judging or gossipping what is or was so wrong about another person (whether it was right or not), that they failed to see how badly it was reflecting themself.
© 2009, Sunflower Faith. All rights reserved.
What happens on Sunflower Faith?
