Sunflower Faith

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.-Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NKJV)

Not good enough? Just want to fit in?

Ever feel that way?

I have on many occassions.

I was the wallflower that blended into the wallpaper and more and just wasn’t there. Sometimes by choice, most of the times, not by choice.

I’m not perfect.

As a matter of fact, I’m far from perfect and I’ve made mistakes in my past and I still make mistakes today.

Underlying it all, no matter what, I sometimes feel like I just don’t measure up, or I’m not exciting enough, or, well, through that “You don’t deserve it” filter, that I’m not good enough, so I find myself betraying who I really am and feeling more lonely and unfufilled then at peace and in place.

I sometimes feel like I’m at conflict….I find myself falling into the trap of being a people pleaser and trying to please people who can’t and won’t ever be pleased over being concerned about caring about pleasing and serving our Father more in Heaven.

The fear of man brings a snare,  But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25 (NKJV)

I found out about “Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl” by Lysa Terkeurst, via a random blog search.

It was just one of those days, nothing going on, kids were asleep, hubby went to bed early, I just didn’t feel like sleeping, so just “google” the internet, the never ending homeschool researching, keeping up with what was going on out there, reading about curriculum and such, that I came across a mom who had preorder the book and was going to blog about each chapter.

There was something about the book that was captivating, meanwhile I was making note toresume my other book studies that I had going on,but I had to get this book.

As I read the first chapter, it reminded me of well…me.

At one time a very socially awkward girl who stayed in the shadows as much as she could. The less attention to me, the better and even know, I prefer to really not be in the center but at the sides or in the shadows.

I just don’t like attention or feel comfortable with it.

Mostly because I don’t feel like I deserve any and also, I feel embarrassed and self-conscious because it’s not about me and I don’t want it to be about me….and more than anything, since being a Christian, oh it feels like long ago, it’s about Him, not about me.

I feel when the attention is on me…it’s just….wordly. I feel like, I wish a hole would open up and swallow me and I disappear but if it could happen where people divert their attention from me and look to Him instead..that would be great.

I think…that’s why I am actually okay with being dull. Not much exciting going on around me.

Even my husband remarked that I don’t even wear nail polishes anymore and I told him, it was really because I don’t feel the need or comfortable doing so.

It just feels….like a waste of time and sometimes, just too….worldly.

I’ll be honest, if I had the opportunity for a manicure and pedicure, I might not pass it up, but I don’t feel the need for it nor that it really defines me.

Instead, it makes me feel like someone else that I’m really not and that I’m trying to hide behind something that really isn’t real.

There maybe those rare moments I find myself drawn to wearing a bright purple nailpolish, but maybe on my toes, but most of the times…I find it…inconvenient to wear nailpolish and really…it’s not who I am naturally so I feel fake.

Okay….they make my troll feet look a little better than they really are, but I’m a mom and a busy wife, and wearing polish on my fingers…just makes me feel like someone I’m really not.

That is a the struggle that I have. It’s hard for me to open up to people and even then, I’m constantly guarded.

I’ve been hurt many times by those who I’ve called friends, only to feel judged by “pre-conditions” that often asked more of me than I ask of them.

I’m wary of “confidants” who later seem to relish in passing off what I share, as gossip with no real purpose but to hurt and humilate.

And through it all…I felt like that girl back in school just wanting to belong….somewhere. To just be who I am without preconditions or judgment.

Lysa wrote about a time when she was going through a difficult time in her life and she had a friend who was deep in the faith. Lysa wrote,”….Though she had no idea of the junk I was dealing with, she was tenderly responsive to God’s promptings.” It’s rare to really, completely know individuals like that in one’s life.

She (Lysa), went on to write,”….This statement (this was in response to a card her friend had sent her with the verse, Jeremiah 29:11-13) stood in such stark contrast to my flawed perception of being identified by my circumstances.This verse painted a possibilty that the God of the universe loved me not for what I did right but simply because I was His.”

I stopped wearing nail polishes, because they don’t define who I am. They aren’t who I am and who was I really trying to impress? In the same way, I was tired of “trying to be good enough”, because no matter what, no one was going to be happy and the merry go round, was never going to stop.

While searching for a scripture that had come to mind, I came across this from an article called, “The Folly of Trying to Please Men,”

There is among men so great a contrariety of judgments, and dispositions, and interests, that they will never agree among themselves; and if you please one, the rest will be thereby displeased. He that you please is an enemy to another; and therefore you displease his enemy by pleasing him. Sometimes, state differences divide kingdoms into parties, and one party will be displeased with you if you be of the other, and both if you are neuters, or dislike them both; and each party think their cause will justify any accusations they can charge you with, or odious titles they can give you, if not any sufferings they can bring upon you. Church differences and sects have been found in all ages, and you cannot be of the opinion of every party; when the world aboundeth with such variety of conceits, you cannot be of all at once. And if you be of one party, you must displease the rest; if you are of one side in controverted opinions, the other side accounteth you erroneous: and how far will the supposed interest of their cause and party carry them!-Richard Baxton, The Folly of Trying to Please Men!

How much does this remind me of Galations 1:10 (NKJV),For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Where is this journey going to take me when I’m finished with this book?

I don’t know.

I’m not sure.

I do know…I find myself, slowly, worrying less and less about the world’s thoughts and more and more concerned about what our Father in Heaven’s thoughts are.

¹ If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. ² Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2 (NKJV)

I live a different life than everyone else does.

I have different experiences.

I have had different life experiences that have defined me, led me to Christ, to HIS Glory and testament.

If I worried more about making everyone happy and serving them, then Him, I am not being true to our Father in Heaven, I’m not being true to His testament of what He has done and is doing in my life, and my focus, our focus, is not on Him, but what is bound here on Earth.

People are not perfect. There is no escaping that and there is no escaping that none of us, is or will be good enough.

Sigh.

Now to remind that little girl who just wants to belong that.

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